Becoming Jill: Adventures in Adulthood

Chapter 14: In Which I Have Various Panic Attacks in Public
November 14, 2010, 1:42 pm
Filed under: Depression, Updates

So, I have been on the Cymbalta for a few weeks now. The most noticeable difference is all the BATSHIT CRAZY DREAMS. I have never been a big dreamer, or at least, I rarely remember the ones that I have. One weird side-note: most of my dreams are narrated.  Anyway, since day 1 of the Cymbalta, my nights have been filled with rape, murder, kidnap, and general mayhem. I wake up in the middle of the night, hyperventilating, with every muscle in my body clenched in terror. Fun, huh?

Apparently this is an unofficial side-effect of many antidepressants, but not one I had encountered with any of the others I have tried. According to my psychiatrist, they should abate eventually… in the meantime, I have a nifty new anti-anxiety/sleeping medication to take a bedtime that should hopefully help. It did ok the first night, but last night was pretty terrifying… sigh.

In other news, every time I go out in public, I have a panic attack! I know you’re jealous. These have been induced by: being squished on the bus, having people stand too close to me in line, and having to wait for my prescription at the chaotic Target pharmacy. Let’s hope these anti-anxiety drugs start working, STAT!

We had a pretty terrific snow storm yesterday, hooray! I love winter, and I love snow, so this all makes me quite excited. We probably got about a foot of very wet, very heavy, very slippery snow. When I tried to venture out to perform some cat-sitting duties, I promptly slid straight off the road. Luckily, I was able to extricate myself without the aide of a tow-truck! Since I had not made it fully 4 blocks from the apartment, I decided Karen and Jeremy’s cats could fend for themselves for a day, and went home.

I love looking out the windows and seeing everything all fluffy and clean and white! I know that later in the winter, there will be times when the snow on the sides of the road is dirty and icky, but for now, I can revel in the beauty and peacefulness.


View out my window. Note the plowed-in car... sucker!

But not for long! Early in the morning, the kitties and I will be loading up the car and heading south for a few weeks. My dad is having surgery, and I’ll be lending a hand while we recovers. I can’t claim to be overly-excited about the prospect, but hopefully it will all go ok. I am a little worried about my mental state, seeing as how I can’t be near people without flipping out, but I have high hopes that I will start feeling better any day now. Gotta have faith, right?

The kitties will be going “on vacation” with Mom and Larry, and I am happy that they will have a big house to play in for a few weeks! Pipper has been especially bad with the out-0f-litterbox peeing lately, so it will also be nice not to have to deal with that for a while. He only seems to do it in my tiny apartment that he hates, so he’s usually pretty well-behaved at Mom’s house.


My name is Pip, and I disapprove of this apartment

Anyway, hopefully it will be a good trip. I’ll miss the Minnesota snow, but it will be nice to be with my own family for Thanksgiving.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

hugs,hugs and more hugs!! Those dreams sound awful. Is it Jane Austen who narrates your dreams? Probably not the murder and mayhem ones…
I empathize with your social anxiety as I became a recluse myself for such reasons. Perhaps the time with your dad will be enough for all your meds to kick in and you’ll come back feeling better! Let me know when you get back – we can play or be reclusive together! Love to you!

Comment by Amy Lee!

my dreams would be much more entertaining if Jane Austen were the narrator! alas, it is usually just some anonymous, omniscient voice. i know it’s weird!

the Cymbalta dreams, however, have all been first-person, and much more vivid than my regular dreams. as in, when i wake up, i remember every single horrifying detail.

and yes, we need to hang out soon! 🙂

Comment by becomingjill

Sounds like your dreams are worse than the crap on the people’s computers I have to look at at work! Hopefully things get better soon!

Thanks for popping by and dealing with our kitties- I also like the picture of Pip, greedy bastard, he’ll end up in a snow bank soon if he keeps up said attitude about his living arrangements!

Comment by Jeremy

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