Becoming Jill: Adventures in Adulthood


Chapter 9: In Which I Make Discoveries that Others Find Completely Obvious. Enlightenment is Achieved.
June 20, 2010, 6:42 pm
Filed under: Depression

CHANGE has always been a four-letter word in my vocabulary. There’s not a thing about CHANGE that I like. I hate to admit it, because it sounds so boring, but I really like routine; knowing on Monday what I will be doing on Friday makes me happy. Once I figure out a good way to drive to a certain location, I use that route each and every time. Detours make me crabby. They have sometimes involved panicked phone calls to my mother, trying to walk her through using Google Maps to figure out where the hell and I am, and how to get where I am going. Usually, these conversations devolve into screaming on both sides. Fun!

So when I read this article last night, it all became clear to me! In my quest for adulthood, I CHANGED pretty much every aspect of my life overnight. As a person already predisposed to depression, the huge amount of CHANGE simply overloaded my coping mechanisms. No wonder everything fell to pieces and I got depressed! I am not sure why it took so long for this to make sense. Surely the best way to go about CHANGE is in small, manageable increments? But in my black/white existence, small and manageable increments rarely make appearances. If I can’t CHANGE everything all at once and be perfect overnight, I feel like a failure!

So, this is my goal: pick one thing to focus on each week, and give myself a chance to grow and evolve over time. Notice how I avoided the use of the evil word! Perhaps if I think of “growth” and “evolving” it won’t be as scary…

I’ve managed to do a pretty good job sticking to my financial goals, but some of the household ones have fallen by the wayside, so this week, I am focusing on having all the dishes washed before bed each and every day. Dishwater hands await!

Next time: In Which I Discover the Meaning of Life. Ha! Just kidding…

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2 Comments so far
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A brilliant discovery indeed! I too like to think I can reach perfection in all areas of my life simultaneously which never gets me anywhere except back to feeling like an utter failure in all areas of my life. ‘Tis a vicious cycle. Unlike you however, I need change, and get depressed when I feel stuck in any situation for too long. I also avoid routine at all costs tends to create its own problems and eventually leads to failure as well. People have tried to convince me to establish some routines, but I can never ever ever keep one up so it really just backfires and makes me more depressed. Life is so confusing!!!!

Comment by negativealtitude

I also meant to say that I am extremely impressed by your ability to stick to your financial goals as I find this to be particularly challenging. I wish you the best with the dishes!!!

Comment by negativealtitude




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